The Vertu of Honestie: Staying in the SCA when the going gets rough and standing up to bigotry even when it’s uncomfortable.

“Why do you stay in the SCA? Everyone there is so mean to you.” 

I couldn’t tell you how many times my own lady mother has asked me that question. My reason has always been that I have some very good friends who love me and treat me with a deep warmth; therefore, her generalization is not exactly accurate.

That said, my own lady mother also raises a valid point: there is a great deal of cliquish and “mean girl” (which is an unfortunately gendered misnomer) behavior both among fighters and non-fighters in our society. My Lord Husband and I have both dealt with backstabbing and outright lies during our time with the society,  both just within the past year.

Over the course of our respective careers, we’ve witnessed people use their titles to bully others into silence. We’ve watched royal peers scare away newbies by aggressively pursuing them sexually and fall back on their title when confronted with their behavior. We’ve watched people taut chivalry and honor on Facebook and in their next post silence and gaslight victims of assault. We have witnessed the culture of discouragement from seeking remedies using the civic rights afforded them (ie, calling the police and pressing charges) in favor of dealing with issues “in house,” which usually means sweeping it under the rug.

Truthfully, taking all that into consideration, even I have to see the merit in my own lady mother’s query. However, these instances are also few and far between (at least in my neck of the woods) and the importance of our friendships and the fulfillment we’ve found in our hobby generally outweighs the nasty stuff. Moreover, our true friends and new friends have always unwittingly revived and rejuvenated our love for the SCA and kept us coming back… because we both see that the SCA can be and is a source of good both in our lives and the world, and giving it up because a few people behave badly feels cowardly.  It’s a few bad apples, after all. 

That said, one should also refrain from being dismissive of the “few bad apples.” Unfortunately, that phrase has come to mean that one should simply overlook the behavior or character of the sort of people mentioned above because the rest of the group is nice. However, the full proverb states that, “A few bad apples can rot the barrel.” That’s why when you buy a bag of fruit from the market, you throw away the fruit that has gone off. You don’t shrug and ignore the rotting fruit because you know that it can and will corrupt the rest, wasting your money and perfectly good food. The same is true of people: rotten people influence others to behave badly. Rather than bring out the best traits in others, they bring out the worst. This badness can range from the annoyance of a cliquey barony to full on racist fraternities. When it comes to the society we live in (both in the real world and the SCA), I believe we should be more vigilant in situations regarding the safety and dignity of others, especially the vulnerable, in our group than we are about persevering a bag of apples. 

This is isn’t to say that I believe people should be rounded up and summarily run out of town on a rail. (Although, there are some, like those Nazis in Caid and the current, racist king in Trimaris, who should be unequivocally be revoked and denied membership.) For the most part, I believe that some people continue to behave badly simply because their friends care more about preserving the image of their hobby than they do about being a good friend and calling them on their behavior to help them improve themselves. It is often easier and more convenient to deny that there is a problem than to address it.

Behaviors that should be driven out of the society: 

1.) Physical harm: including rape, child molestation, physical assault, etc. (And victims should call the police, not expect the nearest knight or the senseschal to deal with it. Unless you want the incident swept under the rug, that is.) 

2.) Theft. 

3.) Bigotry: overt cruelty and unkindness to anyone based on gender, race, religion, or sexuality. 

Behaviors that can be corrected:

1.) Lechery. (But if said lecher will not mend their ways, they can and should be disinvited.)

2.) Bullying. (Many people don’t seem to realize that they’re doing it. Interventions should be held, don’t just brush it off.)

3.) Lying. 

What would you add to the list? How might you cull the bad apples in your group or help them cut off the yucky bits in time to make a delicious tart? 

There are of course some people who have perfected the art of rectal millinery to the point where it doesn’t matter if God Himself comes down and gives them an earful, they’ll just remain stuck in their attitude. The Proverbs say that the wise love correction, however, and there are people who are simply faltering because they don’t know they’ve stepped on the wrong path and no one cares enough to tell them. I find that people either want to pretend that their friend is perfectly in the right or deny their faults. I think that, subconsciously, they’re afraid that admitting fault will make them guilty by association. In other instances, they turn a blind eye because they would rather not make waves. 

One problem I’ve noticed in my kingdom is that peer-like qualities have, erroneously, become synonymous with popularity, ie being liked by everyone. I’ve said before that it is impossible for everyone to like everyone. Some gentles may dislike peaches, but that doesn’t diminish a peach’s worth, nor does it validate raising a campaign to ban peaches from being raised, harvested, and sold. However, it often happens that persons are blocked from advancement simply because someone dislikes them and gets their group of friends to agree with them in order meetings. (These people are unable to accept that, just because they don’t like peaches, doesn’t make peaches a bad thing.) As a result, the mentality that peer-like behavior means being well-liked, has resulted in a culture of people who are so afraid of causing offense that they avoid confrontation to the point where they fail to speak out against bad behavior or stand up for what’s right. 

I’m equally guilty of this. I cannot count the times I have refrained from speaking out for fear that I’ll find myself not only forever blocked from advancement, but also ostracized from my social group. Many people feel this way, even the most brazen of us, but courage, after all, is not the absence of fear. 

Virtue may look pretty in children’s stories, but the reality is that it often makes other people very angry. History shows us that people who stand up for what’s right rarely make it to their graves old and, even if they can manage that, their lives are not without adversity. Joan of Arc didn’t stay home and avoid drama. Thomas Becket didn’t refrain from making waves. Even venerated pacifists like Thomas More had scruples they could not yield. Abraham Lincoln is one of the most beloved presidents in American history, but, in his own time, he was hated and reviled, and not just by John Wilkes Booth. 

I know for some, the recent incidents of open anti-semitism and the elevation of open racists represent the proverbial straw on the camel’s back. It might even be tempting to free yourself of the negativity of association, but how does it make anything better for good people to cede ground and leave the Society to the bigots?

This is where the party ends…

Hopefully this will be my last heavy post for a while. I have three weeks left before I’m cradling sweetness in my arms and watching my firstborn declare to the rest of our family that they can’t have “his baby.” (He already hugs my belly and informs my own lady mother that it’s his baby and she can’t have it whenever she mentions it.) That said, I want to make the world my babies grow up in a better one. Even the tiny corners of the SCA. 

Until then, I plan to talk a lot more about de-cluttering and nesting. 😊